Life Through Shades of Yellow | Building a Life You Love
This series began with the color yellow and it slowly developed into words, notes, thoughts, and questions. On the outside I can come across as a rational person who lives a very ordinary life, yet on the inside I imagined I was living this wildly romantic and colorful life filled with extraordinary adventures. Over the development of this series growth began to happen within myself as these two identities began to fuse together.
This painting "Montana de Oro" guided me towards the questions I began to ask myself. The questions that lead to a drastic change within myself and my life. It all began with the color yellow, what was my attraction towards this color? What did it mean?
The titles of my past work foreshadowed my coming out; “I Want Something Wild", “My Moonless Night Will Fade Away” and “There’s Nothing To Read Between The Lines”. These works were my outlet, dark poetry as I felt trapped in my marriage, too afraid to leave. I was afraid of what the future held for me. I began to see why our relationship was destined to fail, I had been repressing myself for so long. I wasn't able to accept myself and that lead to him not accepting me. Being honest with him about how I felt, who I was, and what transpired between us over the years did not settle well with him. I began to hold my ground and speak my mind, terrified the entire time yet being brave and honest with who I was and what I wanted. Six long months of discourse trying to balance and navigate my way through repairing our relationship into some kind of friendship or even some sort of civility did not transpire. The relationship ended abruptly and harshly along with everything that came with it.
I found myself separating from my husband of seven years and falling for a woman which lead me to coming out as a queer woman. I got the divorce and moved back in with my parents. My outlook on life was at an all time low. The process of healing through the losses that come with divorce, while coming out were endless and challenging. Yet, I found so much peace in my freedom that allowed for growth within myself. I set aside a full year to heal, four seasons, and it was an enlightening experience. Fast-forward and nearly four years later I am on the other side of this epic masterpiece of self discovery that is always a journey.
I was being drawn toward all the different shades of yellow. These colors resonated with me, they were peaceful, yet so powerful and full of energy. I began to research and realized the color yellow offers positivity, clarity, happiness, enlightenment, joy, inspires original thought and inquisitiveness.
I am slowly beginning to understand and truly know myself. The thing is I thought I knew myself, I thought I knew who I was, what I was about, and what I wanted. Looking back I see how lost I was, I wasn’t myself. It’s really disheartening to live life this way. I feel like so much of my life has passed me by, I missed so many chances. You get this one life, just this one and before you know it, it’s gone.
So I’m changing my perspective. I see the things that scare me and I now face them head on, no matter how big or small they may feel. I am changing my mindset and going for my big dreams, big goals to create a colorful life. It takes one small step at a time to change, no matter where you are in life. One step, one thing every day and slowly you will begin to see change within yourself and your life.
It’s not easy and there are setbacks but that’s ok. Failures and setbacks show you were you are not supposed to be and they guide you to where you belong. Keep going.
I decided to create a body of work that correlated with the color yellow about my personal growth. Poetic titles, peaceful sceneries, and brave moments where all intertwined from my memories over the last four years to create each painting.
This is where discipline comes in, you must become disciplined in a daily routine to build the life you want. Create daily habits and stick with them. Get out into the world and try new things. Explore, visit somewhere new, even if it's the next town over. Do one thing every week that scares you, so you can grow. Try and fail, keep failing and see where that leads you.
Here are a few notes I read on a daily basis to keep me going:
- Clarity comes with action. Try things and make mistakes. Take risk and explore.
- Deep empathy for people makes our observations powerful sources of inspirations.
- Have discipline in all areas of life, it leads to self love.
- Create a sustainable and balanced life that you can keep up with everyday.
- Decisions -> Actions -> Feelings
- Inspiration is fueled by a deliberate planned course of action. Go out in the world and proactively seek experiences that will spark your creative thinking.
- For passion to survive it needs structure.
- The next 90 days spend 90 minutes on your single most important game changing opportunity first thing in the morning.
What are you doing to build a life you love? How are you moving forward? Even if it's one step at a time, one little step everyday. Keep going beautiful one, I'm rooting for you.